" Better Pray For Your Sins "

What I think is grossly unfair is that I have never smoked in my life and I drink at least 2 litres of water a day YET I am still getting lines around my mouth..that sucks..on the other hand I lost 1.5 kilograms this week so that totally un-sucks.

I can't believe how much skinnier 1.5 kilograms feels...it must be in my head !

There is this woman who is a friend of my mum's. I don't really like her much, but yesterday she said to me " there's nothing of you from the waist up !! ". Does this mean I am hideous from the waist down ? She also said to me " It must be hard dragging all that weight when you are pole dancing ". I felt like a fat pig, but the irony is, she is the same weight as me.

I actually wasn't annoyed at her, just kind of thought she was a bit thick.

Do you know what ? I went op-shopping for my skinny scarf this morning and I couldn't find one anywhere. Does this mean I might have to pay full price ? Yegods !

" Today Is Weigh In Day "

OK, if I haven't lost anything today I will be very shocked.

I have tried hard all week to look after my body and I really do feel a lot better.

His lordship says I have been a lot less crabby than normal ( backhanded compliment if ever there was one ) and that my ass looks ace in a pair of pants I had on yesterday. I feel so much better too.

I bought myself a suit the other day, it's part of my feel fantastic and in control of myself when I go to see my beloved Rufus in two weeks. It's quite mannish in a girly way, and I am going to wear it with a funky rockstar singlet and a thin black scarf...actually when I describe it like that it sounds crap, but it's not. I look even taller and more in control than I could imagine.

So it's odd. I was always weight obsessed from being a kid, but funnily enough, now I am the heaviest I have ever been, I am quietly calm about it and know that I will be right. It doesn't absorb every waking moment of my life, because I know I will do what I have to do. This is such a change from the past.

I enjoyed watching " You Are What you Eat " last night. The woman on that is so scary and she doesn't look that healthy herself actually, though I am sure she is. Anyway, feeling hugely positive today about my body, isn't that ace ? !

Whoah girl !

" Crisis Point "

When I was a teenager, I weighed 56 kilograms, right until my 20s, and I thought I was fat !

I am five foot eight !

I had huge body issues, and family members would say things like " you look a lot thinner in clothes " or " big bum " and even though I was never big, I still remember those comments as clear as a bell.

I am now in my mid 30s and weight 84 kilograms, and yes, I am a lot bigger, and yes I still have body issues. I refuse to have my picture taken ( I used to model !!! ), I grab large chunks of skin and tell myself how I hate it, which I do.

But I don't hate me ! I think I am one of the best things I've got...but I do know something has to give.

This is why I have begun a new blog...I am going to be completely open, write what comes to me, from the past and present and open my heart to the healthy person I know is in there...

Please watch this space, I was a 10 once, I am now a chunky 16, I will be a 12 !